Wednesday, August 27th

Lucy and I got up bright and early on Tuesday morning and it was unseasonably cool outside. Must have had something to do with the fact that today the brats in MoCo went back to school! It was a jinx on my day really because it went downhill from there.

All I have to say, number one, is how quickly the mind forgets. Holy lord, we must have mosquito's the size of horses at this point. I have literally gone outside for seconds and come back in one huge welt. I killed one in the house last night and it was like a blood bath, which also makes me want to puke knowing that the gross thing has been living off mine and Lucy's blood.

Another thing I must have forgotten? Lucy's strength and my ability to bruise when the wind blows. I swear, there's no way anyone could blame these on you, seeing as you're not even in the same state. Unless of course you are magic and can beat me long distance!





So, anyway, I get to work, all is well and then my mom calls to tell me that she is going to drop off your poker set and the beer and she's gonna leave it in the back yard because you know how she feels about coming in with Lucy here (the big chicken), so I said, oh hell, i'll come home to meet you. I hear this clickity clack and look at the size of the freakin BOLT that is in my tire:



How on earth does something that size end up in your tire? That is like sticking a freakin garden hose in my arm just for shits and giggles with no clue that it's happened! I don't get it. How does this happen? So, I'm off to Radial in the morning (which should be today when you're reading this - IF blogger gets their shit together and "unlocks" this blog!). You know what this makes me feel like? When someone does something illegal on the road and you're like, "where are the cops when you need them?" but they're off eating donuts at 7-11, harassing kids. I mean, 7 out of 10 times those little brats are probably up to something but let's face it, there are criminals walking right under their noses but they're too "busy" to notice. It's like, dude, why don't you police people/things that really need it. OHhhhhh, that's right, a blog about a dog and a lame wife should be checked out. You never know what we're up to babe. I need to get going now so I can go make the pipe bombs and smuggle the heroine across the border in Lucy's bum! Well, that wouldn't work because we know things tend to come out of Lucy's bum on a regular basis, not go in!

Okay, enough of this silliness. I need to go to sleepy time. We love you daddy. More to come....

UPDATE:
So this morning I was seriously ready to kill our pooch. Let me start from the beginning. So the cut on her paw is not getting any better. It’s actually looking worse to me. I think she keeps re-injuring it when she goes outside running through the bushes like a banshee and then she continuously licks it when inside. So last night when we were snuggled up on the couch and she was out, snoring and all, I decided I was going to take care of her wound.

I snuck to the bathroom and got a cotton ball soaked in peroxide, the neosporine, a flat cotton pad and the ace bandage they gave me at the hospital when I sprained my fingers. As she slept, I squeezed the peroxide onto her wound where it fizzed and bubbled to my delight. I knew it was cleaning out all of the yucky stuff. Well, Lucy jumped up. She was not pleased. But, I was determined. I held her still on the couch, squeezed some neosporine onto it, put the cotton pad and the ace bandage on – you should have seen us, it was a ridiculous sight, I’m sure.

Once the bandage was on Lucy switched into full Hollywood actress! She was PUH-THETIC! She limped around like gimpy McGee and hobbled like a freakin pirate with a peg leg. I swear if there was a producer within 100 yards they would have hired her on the spot. Check out these pictures I took of her:








So, I felt bad for a second but I know it’s for the best. Anyway, she was really tired so we got into bed and all was good. She slept, noticing her bandaged paw just barely.

Well, at about 5am she decides she’s gonna start growling and barking. At first I thought maybe someone was outside so I looked out front and nothing…I kept trying to go back to sleep knowing that I had to get up by about 6:45 today to miss the “rush” at Radial (as if that’s even possible – I have a sneaking suspicion that people sleep here over night to be first in line, but I digress…). Well, I hush her and we lay back down and then I hear her gnawing and pulling at the bandage. I wanted to strangle her with it. So, I take it off of her so maybe she’ll calm down and possibly not destroy it. No such luck. Then she decides she’s gonna lick it CONSTANTLY. At one point I screamed, “LUCY! ENOUGH! LAY DOWN, STOP IT!” and to my surprise that worked…for about 4 minutes, then she was back to licking. I kicked her a few times through the covers and she decided to go to the living room to lick in peace. Finally, some sleep for me. Yeah right.

Lucy then decides she “needs” to go outside. She hits the shot glass. I ignore her. She hits it again. I ignore her. She hits it again, I say, “really? REALLY?”. She hits it again. It’s now about 5:50am. I take her out. She runs like she’s freakin shot out of a cannon out of the back door to begin her barking routine at the house next door. I go between feeling bad and not caring. Then she does her business and I get her back inside. It’s now about 6:10am or so. I try to go back to sleep and decided that it’s just pointless. That’s when Lucy decides she’s shweepsies and she’s ready to go back to sleep, the little bitch! And mama is up and starting her day as the pooch drifts off into nap number 1 of probably 500 for today.

I leave the house and for a moment forget that school has started back up until I almost run over a toddler at the end of our street, Marina’s friend’s toddler to be exact, because apparently the mom doesn’t think it’s important to pay attention to where her little brat is. She is walking back to her house with the other mom’s (Susan, our next door neighbor and a couple of others). Clearly it is way more important to socialize with the girls in the hood than to watch your kid. Whatevs.

So, that was minor. I continue on my way and I’m headed up Crestmoor when low and behold there is a MOB of parents and children walking toward me. Now, you and I both know how it is in the hood. There are no sidewalks and I am beyond sympathetic when it comes to that. Walking Lucy, having cars speed by, etc. I am not one to raise a fist and tell people to get out of the road. Today was a different story. If you were with me you would have blown a gasket! I swear to god, I was driving about 5 miles per hour toward these people as they watched me and continued to walk DIRECTLY IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF THE STREET! I looked at them in astonishment, like, REALLY? Are you serious? Are you unaware of the fact that I am in a MOTOR VEHICLE and can RUN YOU THE FUCK OVER? Oh my god, I was so pissed. These are the assholes that make me want to be a total bitch. I mean, what gives you the right to just saunter in the middle of the street? I know you see me, I’m not in a mini cooper and last I checked I can’t make myself invisible. This is how the day began.

It is now 10:27am. I have been at Radial Tire since 8:30am waiting for my car that is having a hole plugged and the tires rotated. I am praying that the day gets better and that my mood changes before the much anticipated dinner with the girls tonight to “celebrate” Kristin’s second pregnancy. If it doesn’t, you better believe mama will be drunk before the appetizers arrive.

It’s got to get better from here…right?